Been a while
since I’ve written and trying to rack my brain for the memorable moments over
the last three weeks.
Probably the
highlight of the past few weeks was last weekend. We had a whale of a time. On
the Saturday we got to see some elephants and even ride the buggers. However,
this was not as fun as you would think. The agony between my legs and the close
grinding to the guide provided an uncomfortable experience and did not provide
the elegant ride I had expected. However, it was great getting up close and
personal with them. We got to touch the trunk, feet, skin and even the tongue.
The guide’s desire for us to squeeze the elephant’s nipple did provide some resistance,
but we did eventually have a good grope. The highlight was when the elephant
was supposed to ‘kiss you’ on the neck, which was essentially it blowing its
dirty nose on your neck. After watching this happen to the people before me I
was not overwhelmed at the prospect of being covered in elephant snot and so
flinched when its trunk approached my neck. This only resulted in it blowing
its nose right on my kisser and giving me a bit of a snog.
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We also got to walk with the elephants ‘trunk in hand’. This didn’t translate well into practice for Bridie when her elephant decided enough was enough and charged off into the hedges to grab a snack. By the time it got round to me and Penny the elephant was practically dragging its feet. Resulting us in essentially trying to pull a 6 ton animal round by its nose.
Just before he went in for the kill.
Elephant Snot
While waiting
for our lift back to the hotel we decided the best course of action was to have
a photo shoot as a great team building exercise.
The guys at the hostel picked us up from the elephant place and took us to a great bar where I had the best burger of my life. On a high we returned to the hostel bar where the madness ensued. Penny I and our new friend decided to abandon the group and start our own party in the bar across the road. We were having the time of our lives the shapes that were being thrown were unbelievable. However, the rest of the group were not impressed with the crowd which consisted of three 40 year old men and a group of socially awkward South Africans. We were eventually forced to leave after one of them refused to sell us their hat
Down at the other bar the party continued and I got too nostalgic when seeing the Ghanaian flag. I decided it was time for bed after I had stolen two avocados and walked into the bedpost smacking my eye socket
The next day we
decided to do the ‘Big swing’ in
Graskop. We all felt a sense of dread as we approached the location. A 62 meter
drop before a huge swing across the Caynon. I was nervous, but volunteered to
go first in order to avoid watching everyone else plummeting to their demise.
Luckily we all survived and Penny only had about three minor breakdowns. The fall was insane, I remember opening my
eyes and just seeing everything flying past and then we swung past and got to
see the whole canyon. Taking it all in all I could do was scream was
obscenities. After putting our bodies
through total shock we were eventually picked up by our driver who stopped off
at KFC making it an excellent day.
Sunday night is
a huge night out in our township. I mean huge. It has a name ‘Sunday session’.
In fact every night is party night, but Sunday is the big one. The driver was obviously excited to be
finishing work and dropping us off at home so allowed us a peep into his
freshest dance moves. There was the fingers across the eyes, the sway to the
side. However, things started going too far when he decided to throw his head
onto the wheel and shake his ass. He was a binger through and through and I
could only think of how much my binge hero chlo byrne would of appreciated the
scene.
This weekend was
probably our favourite by far. But we also really enjoyed our trip to Nelspruit
a couple of weekends ago. We visited the
Botanical gardens and went to a chimpanzee sanctuary. I’m ashamed to say that
the Sheffield Botanical gardens doesn’t have a patch on those in Nelspruit.
Nelspruit has a bloody medicinal garden! Including a plant which you can use as
a love charm. Chimp Eden was also great and they are now my new favourite
animals.
Homestay life is great. Mama is always reprimanding me for my clumsy ways. She has just bought the most insane new car, a Mercedes straight out of the factory. It’s the poshest car I have ever been in and as soon as it arrived chaos broke out as we all took turns clambering into the back for a free spin around the township.
She’s so lovely
and keeps testing my cooking and cleaning skills to see whether I’d make the
perfect South African wife. In South Africa when people get married the groom
will often pay the bride’s family a fee which is called Labolla. There is now a running joke in our
house that I must clean and cook well to get Labolla. I appear to have failed
the test and she has already firmly told me I will not be receiving the aforementioned
Labolla. Probably to the relief of her youngest son who she is trying to marry
me off too. The woman’s hilarious just last week she watched me bring in my
laundry and stopped me in my tracks to sniff my underwear and announce ‘now it
is clean’. I’m really enjoying staying here. I’ve also become really good
friends with the other son who is now taking all of us to the gym. We’ve ended
up getting ourselves a month’s membership for a fiver! Birdie has been teaching us her intense gym
routine amongst her throngs of suitors.
This weekend we
held her a surprise birthday party for Mama Eliza which we have been planning
for weeks. True to classic bad luck she ruined her own surprise party by coming
home to early. The party had everything you would need including a bouncy
castle and a surround sound system. There was an obscene amount of food with
£25.00 spent purely on sausages and probably about £200 on steak! The crowd consisted
mainly of the 50+ range, but that will still no excuse to not blast out ‘these
hoes ain’t loyal’ and 'you know what to do with that big fat but, wriggle wriggle' across the court yard. It was the most formal birthday party I have ever been too
with even a self-appointed chairperson who went round making everyone deliver a
speech to the birthday girl. At one point one of the brothers got too lairy and
she was quick to put him in his place and remind him of her officiating role.
The speeches were strangely all based around death with many congratulating
Mama Eliza for simply being alive. Things got grim when they started talking
about infant mortality and at one point they had to remind the guests that it
was not a ‘memorial service’. As our contribution to the birthday conference the girls
and I were roped into ‘singing a song from England’. After a moment of panic all
we could think to do was sing the Christian anthem ‘he’s got the whole world in
his hands’. The crowd were loving it and we were heckled for an encore. This is the only explanation as to why we ended up singing the bloody British national anthem in the middle of sixtieth south African birthday party.
The Fam
The birthday conference. Chairperson second to the right.
Mama Eliza cutting the cake
On the Sunday we
took a trip to Barberton Mountains something we have been itching to do since
we arrived. The views were amazing and we really enjoyed bbqing with a can beer
on the lake. Bridie took a slight tumble when we attempted to go for a swim and it is possible she has now needs a tetanus shot. Penny is monitoring her progress daily.
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I Leave you with a two year olds' selfie. Rea x
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